Jesus Sees Me.

One thing I hate greatly is someone having sympathy for me. There's nothing I hate more than being like an open wound bleeding out in front of someone. I hate the feeling of vulnerability. I hate feeling helpless and having to depend on another person. I'm going to be honest with you all and bleed out like an open wound. Since I got home from India, I have fallen into a sort of sadness/depression. I have been home for close to three weeks now. There is probably nothing I wouldn't do to be on the first flight back to India to be with all of those beautiful kids. I feel so helpless. I know God's plan for me right now is to finish high school and to do it to the best of my ability. That does not make my burden for India any less. I never thought even a year ago that God would break me this much for these people but now they are constantly on my mind. I feel like I am being pulled by the world and by the direction God is leading me. Even though I feel so ready to go back to India, I also have so many things going through my mind that I am going to miss out on if I don't stay in the U.S.

I am wrecked. I feel as though I can't handle life right now.

Do I really want to go live in India? Am I strong enough for that? The answer is no. In my flesh, I think there is NO way I want to give up my life in the U.S. But who am I? Who am I to question God's good and perfect will for my life? How can I question the God who rescued me out of my sin? How can I question the God who continues to pursue and love me every day? How can I question the one who saved my life? But I do question him. I question him every single day even after I have seen him move. I doubt his power. I doubt the endless power of Jesus Christ. Why? Why do I doubt him after everything I have seen and heard? God's mercy and grace has changed my life but I, a constant sinner with nothing to offer but filthy rags has the audacity to question a God of endless love who has pulled me out of my hopelessness and sacrificed his own son for the sake of me.

Jesus sees me. He sees me in my sadness. He sees me in my rebellion. Even through all of that he still chooses to pursue me. 

So now that I have bled out to all of you and am in a completely vulnerable state, I am asking you for your prayers. The enemy is at work overtime and I can not withstand on my own. Please join with me in prayer as I pursue God's will for my life. I am truly grateful for all of you and I thank God for you every day.  

~Rachel